Apple Madness

Warning! This short joke may be inappropriate for kids and some people, so I am not going to be held responsible for any bad thing that’s going to happen once you read it, all right? Good… so let’s see the difference between an apple and your granny’s ass, shall we?

Q: What’s the difference between an apple and your granny’s ass?

Basically, you can say a lot of things to answer this simple question, starting with color, the difference between a body part and a fruit, and so on, but you won’t get closer to the truth, believe me. My truth, that is. To be honest, I didn’t get this one off the Internet – my father told it, and I was about to die laughing. Obviously, I am still alive, so here’s your answer…

A: You gotta bite them both to tell the difference!

If you ever had no choice but to eat your lunch at school, then you know already that the National School Lunch Program “provides nutritionally balanced, low-cost or free lunches to children each school day,” and so the result is not always as it supposed to be. After all, we all know that any product’s attributes that come next to “low-cost” are nothing more but mumbo-jumbo – at least in most cases, but when this happens, today’s story goes dangerously close to the real thing…

One fine day, after grabbing some good-looking pie and having the first bite, a kid turned bag to the cook with lightning in his eyes, and asked indignantly:

“What kind of pie do you call this?!?”

Completely taken by surprise by the kid, the cook stopped for a moment, then asked:

“What does it taste like?”

Unsurprisingly, the answer came in an instant:

“Glue!”

Tired of this already, the cook closed the discussion:

“Then it’s apple pie, the plum pie tastes more like shampoo!”

Contrary to the popular belief, the first commandment is not the one recorded by Moses, when he wrote it down in Hebrew together with the other nine, in the second of his books, called Exodus, which is a fundamental part of the so-called Old Testament, together with his other four books.

If you’re not a religious person, or you simply can’t remember what is usually known as the first and greatest commandment, here it is:

“I am The Lord your God, Who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage. You shall have no other gods before Me.”

The real story, or at least our funny story today, says the first commandment is this:

“You will go and eat that apple God said we shouldn’t! Otherwise, you will sleep with the snake! Don’t tell me such nonsense that God put a fruit in this garden that isn’t supposed to be eaten!”

Seeing no other way out of this, Adam ate the apple. Eve was a bit disappointed, because she hoped he would die. After all, she saw him looking at a female cow as he shouldn’t have earlier that day, and – to make the story full – she had some wild dreams including the snake, so taking Adam out of the equation wasn’t such a bad idea. Unfortunately for her, Adam didn’t die, God got angry, Eve became the first bitchy wife in history, and you all know the rest of the story…

Just for the record – your AppleMadman here has to warn you that any event depicted in this article is fictitious, and any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental!

If Apple made toasters… here’s how Apple Toasters, Inc. would behave, and how a MacToaster would work(obviously, if Apple would be into the toasters business, Microsoft couldn’t be making tanks, you have to agree with that, and that’s why Microsoft is also mentioned here):

• It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier.
• The toast would make a little smiley face at you when it popped up, or else it would get stuck and there would be a little picture of a bomb burned onto it.
• If they break, these toasters would require a special set of MacToaster Tools to even open up.
• Worldwide market share would only be 5%, but all the bread in school lunches would be exclusively toasted using the MacToaster.
• Last, but not least, if you would build a boat, and call it “MacBoat,” you will end up facing Apple Toasters’ lawyers. Even if you were a goose, going “Mac – mac – mac!!” without having a written consent from Apple Toasters would be punishable to the full extent of the law!

In the last two days, I had a lot of things on my mind, and I also had to fight my flu all the time, but I couldn’t help falling in love with Fiona Apple’s “Criminal,” and there’s a serious reason for that. I will probably say it again in the future, but now it’s the first time that your AppleMadman here makes such a confession – I love songs and people that give me a wrong first impression, just to grow in time, with each new encounter, and that’s exactly what happens with Fiona Apple’s “Criminal…”

Fiona Apple, (sweet) Criminal

Since the best quality video I found on YouTube has embedding disabled, I will give you only the link here – Fiona Apple – Criminal video. Some claim this video is “soft porn,” but I wouldn’t ever go that far. After all, let’s see…

It all starts with a catchy bass line that you probably won’t notice at first audition. Soon, Fiona enters the scene, saying she’s been a “bad, bad girl,” but without any chances to impress me. I am sure her way of singing the intro, looking to be “just another voice” is a well chosen approach to getting deeper into the song, and regarding the video, well… it’s not something really straightforward, it’s not easy to digest, and it’s not cheap nudity for the sake of your average male audience. No, sir, this is not even close to that!

Hey, what am I doing here? I hate spoilers, so I’ll give you the lyrics below. You already have the link to the Fiona Apple – Criminal video above, and now you’ll have the Fiona Apple – Criminal lyrics you were probably looking for. That’s it, enjoy my favorite “Apple artist” once again!

I’ve been a bad, bad girl
I’ve been careless with a delicate man
And its a sad, sad world
When a girl will break a boy
Just because she can
Don’t you tell me to deny it
I’ve done wrong
And I want to suffer for my sins
I’ve come to you ’cause I need
Guidance to be true
And I just don’t know where I can begin

What I need is a good defense
‘Cause I’m feelin’ like a criminal
And I need to redeemed
To the one I’ve sinned against
Because he’s all I ever knew of love

Heaven help me for the way I am
Save me from these evil deeds
Before I get them done
I know tomorrow brings
The consequence at hand
But I keep livin’ this day
Like the next will never come

Oh, help me
But don’t tell me to deny it
I’ve got to cleanse myself of all these lies
‘Till I’m good enough for him
I got a lot to lose, and I’m bettin’ high
So I’m beggin’ you:
Before it ends, just tell me where to begin

What I need is a good defense
‘Cause I’m feelin’ like a criminal
And I need to redeemed
To the one I’ve sinned against
Because he’s all I ever knew of love

Let me know the way
Before there’s hell to pay
Give me room to lay the law and let me go
I’ve got to make a play
To make my lover stay
So what would an angel say?
The devil wants to know

What I need is a good defense
‘Cause I’m feelin’ like a criminal
And I need to redeemed
To the one I’ve sinned against
Because he’s all I ever knew of love

What I need is a good defense
‘Cause I’m feelin’ like a criminal
And I need to redeemed
To the one I’ve sinned against

Because he’s all I ever knew of love