If Apple Made Toasters…

If Apple made toasters… here’s how Apple Toasters, Inc. would behave, and how a MacToaster would work(obviously, if Apple would be into the toasters business, Microsoft couldn’t be making tanks, you have to agree with that, and that’s why Microsoft is also mentioned here):

  • It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier.
  • The toast would make a little smiley face at you when it popped up, or else it would get stuck and there would be a little picture of a bomb burned onto it.
  • If they break, these toasters would require a special set of MacToaster Tools to even open up.
  • Worldwide market share would only be 5%, but all the bread in school lunches would be exclusively toasted using the MacToaster.
  • Last, but not least, if you would build a boat, and call it “MacBoat,” you will end up facing Apple Toasters’ lawyers. Even if you were a goose, going “Mac – mac – mac!!” without having a written consent from Apple Toasters would be punishable to the full extent of the law!
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Fiona Apple – Criminal

In the last two days, I had a lot of things on my mind, and I also had to fight my flu all the time, but I couldn’t help falling in love with Fiona Apple’s “Criminal,” and there’s a serious reason for that. I will probably say it again in the future, but now it’s the first time that your AppleMadman here makes such a confession – I love songs and people that give me a wrong first impression, just to grow in time, with each new encounter, and that’s exactly what happens with Fiona Apple’s “Criminal…”

Fiona Apple - CriminalFiona Apple, (sweet) Criminal

Since the best quality video I found on YouTube has embedding disabled, I will give you only the link here – Fiona Apple – Criminal video. Some claim this video is “soft porn,” but I wouldn’t ever go that far. After all, let’s see…

It all starts with a catchy bass line that you probably won’t notice at first audition. Soon, Fiona enters the scene, saying she’s been a “bad, bad girl,” but without any chances to impress me. I am sure her way of singing the intro, looking to be “just another voice” is a well chosen approach to getting deeper into the song, and regarding the video, well… it’s not something really straightforward, it’s not easy to digest, and it’s not cheap nudity for the sake of your average male audience. No, sir, this is not even close to that!

Hey, what am I doing here? I hate spoilers, so I’ll give you the lyrics below. You already have the link to the Fiona Apple – Criminal video above, and now you’ll have the Fiona Apple – Criminal lyrics you were probably looking for. That’s it, enjoy my favorite “Apple artist” once again!

I’ve been a bad, bad girl
I’ve been careless with a delicate man
And its a sad, sad world
When a girl will break a boy
Just because she can
Don’t you tell me to deny it
I’ve done wrong
And I want to suffer for my sins
I’ve come to you ’cause I need
Guidance to be true
And I just don’t know where I can begin

What I need is a good defense
‘Cause I’m feelin’ like a criminal
And I need to redeemed
To the one I’ve sinned against
Because he’s all I ever knew of love

Heaven help me for the way I am
Save me from these evil deeds
Before I get them done
I know tomorrow brings
The consequence at hand
But I keep livin’ this day
Like the next will never come

Oh, help me
But don’t tell me to deny it
I’ve got to cleanse myself of all these lies
‘Till I’m good enough for him
I got a lot to lose, and I’m bettin’ high
So I’m beggin’ you:
Before it ends, just tell me where to begin

What I need is a good defense
‘Cause I’m feelin’ like a criminal
And I need to redeemed
To the one I’ve sinned against
Because he’s all I ever knew of love

Let me know the way
Before there’s hell to pay
Give me room to lay the law and let me go
I’ve got to make a play
To make my lover stay
So what would an angel say?
The devil wants to know

What I need is a good defense
‘Cause I’m feelin’ like a criminal
And I need to redeemed
To the one I’ve sinned against
Because he’s all I ever knew of love

What I need is a good defense
‘Cause I’m feelin’ like a criminal
And I need to redeemed
To the one I’ve sinned against

Because he’s all I ever knew of love

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Fiona Apple – Discography

Just for the record, your AppleMadman here usually enjoys music that would make your grandmother instantly have a heart attack, but there are some artists that even he simply can’t ignore, especially when they have a name that includes one of his obsessions, together with a notorious antivirus producer. Yes, I am talking about Fiona Apple, born Fiona Apple McAfee Maggart on September 13, 1977, and since for the AppleMadman, every artist’s story starts with his discography, let’s take a look at the Fiona Apple discography, shall we?

Fiona Apple DiscographyFiona Apple, beautiful sadness

Obviously, we had to introduce ourselves to Fiona first of all, so here you have her – beautiful and sad, just as most of her songs, but let’s get to that Fiona Apple discography now, just as I promised!


Tidal – Released: July 23, 1996 (U.S.)
Chart positions: #15 U.S, #43 Australia, #21 France

When the Pawn – Released: November 9, 1999 (U.S.)
Chart positions: #13 U.S., #46 UK, #54 Australia, #32 France

Extraordinary Machine – Released: October 4, 2005 (U.S.)
Chart positions: #7 U.S, #53 Australia, #61 France

iTunes Originals – Fiona Apple – Released: February 14, 2006 (U.S.), December 17, 2007 (U.K.)

Other recordings

“Use Me” (Bill Withers) – Live version from Bad Girl, an Apple bootleg recorded at the Phoenix Concert Theater in Ontario (1997)
“Angel” (Jimi Hendrix) – live version from Bad Girl
“Sitting in Limbo” (Jimmy Cliff) – live version from Bad Girl
“Across the Universe” (Lennon/McCartney) – Soundtrack to the Motion Picture Pleasantville (1998, Sony), lead vocalist
“Please Send Me Someone to Love” (Percy Mayfield) – Soundtrack to the Motion Picture Pleasantville (1998, Sony), lead vocalist
“Bridge over Troubled Water” (Paul Simon) – duet with Johnny Cash from American IV: The Man Comes Around (2002)
“Father and Son” (Cat Stevens) – duet with Johnny Cash from Unearthed (2003)
“Frosty the Snowman” – from Christmas Calling (2003)
“I Want You” (Elvis Costello) – live version from VH1’s Live for Decades Rock Live!, released as an iTunes single (2006)
“Sally’s Song” (Catherine O’Hara) – from Tim Burton’s The Nightmare Before Christmas Special Edition Soundtrack (2006)

This is it for now, my friends, but don’t you even dare to think that I’ll stop here! After all, there are a bunch of awesome Fiona Apple videos to check out, but I didn’t include them here, since we’ll take them one by one, in the future. Also, some may say that the discography of a certain artist includes the singles, but the AppleMadman thinks otherwise. While foreplay can be extremely pleasant, it’s nothing next to the real thing, and that’s exactly what a single is, next to an album.

OK, so we have to conclude here our first encounter with Fiona Apple and her discography, but since she’s the first “Apple artist” I can think of, we’ll get back to her as soon as possible.

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An Apple a Day Keeps the Doctor Away

One fine day, little Joe came rushing in to his dad. Dad was having a beer, watching the TV and also reading the newspaper during commercial breaks. Joe knew it’s not a good idea to disturb his dad while the game was on and the beer unfinished, so he waited for the first break, when he suddenly puffed:

– Dad! Is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away?

– If you wouldn’t be below the legal drinking age, I would say at least two beers a day keep the doctor away, but since you’re still to young for that… I guess that’s what they say. It could even be true, I guess. Yeah, son, you could say an apple a day keeps the doctor away, said dad, thinking about the fact that this could finally make Joe eat some apples, and even his mother’s apple pie…

– Well, give me an apple, and better make it quick !!!, said Joe, making his father put aside the beer and the newspaper, wondering what happened.

– You just went to your doctor last week, and you’re perfectly healthy! Any problems you think I should know of?

– Well, dad, I feel great, but… I’ve just broken the doctor’s window!

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