Apple Madness

These last weeks have been simply crazy, and that’s the only reason I write this now, and not a moth ago. Anyway, it’s always good to think about crazy things, because that’s how crazy jokes are born, and today the time has come for a little funny story about a madhouse, the loony guys there, and some apples…

The story goes like this: in a madhouse, the doctor in charge wasn’t really happy about his patients’ behavior, so he decided to study the effect of various fruits on his patients. Once he added apples to their meals, everything became nice and quiet. He was extremely happy, and already starting to check their files once again, thinking about the day when some of them should be sent home.

Unfortunately, crisis struck, and funding has been cut. Not the crisis we’re been going through lately, just some fictional crisis…you’re aware this is only a story, right? Good, let’s continue! So, no funding, less spending, and no more apples.

One evening, when visiting his patients, the doctor noticed there was no light, and the light bulbs were all gone! Just as a side note, he also tried some cromotherapy, and the patients had yellow light.

“What happened to the light bulbs?”

“We ate those yellow apples, they were awesome!”

This surely gave our poor doctor a sleepless night, but he ended up using some red light bulbs he tried during his cromotherapy period, since red light usually gives headaches, and maybe that way his patients would become peaceful and quiet, once again. Unfortunately, there are also red apples, so it’s obvious what happened.

After a few days spent thinking about what should be done, the doctor had a brilliant idea – this time, he used green light! We also need to mention that the loonies were extremely irritated by white light, so using regular light bulbs was not an option. These being said, green light bulbs have been installed, and days started going by without any incident.

One evening, the doctor visited one of the larger rooms in the madhouse, only to find all people inside staring at the light bulbs around them, so he asked:

“What are you doing?”

“These apples are green. We’re waiting for them to ripe, we can’t eat unripe apples!”

It’s a crisis, we must accept it. Come on, everybody knows it, but fortunately I don’t have enough money to really feel like my entire universe is going down the drain. That’s the good part of not being rich – when you got nothing to lose, then you got it all, and if we have to talk about apples, let’s ask a simple question, shall we?

No, that wasn’t the question, haha! The question is this one:

“How many apples can you eat on an empty stomach?”

For most people, 3-4-5-6-7-8 could be a good answer, but if we add a bit of smart thinking into the equation, the answer can only be the one below…

“You can only eat one apple on an empty stomach, because once you have done that, your stomach won’t be empty any longer!”

Today, another fictional story. This time, it’s about the Apple Store in the forest, and the rabbit. While the Apple Store in this story was usually selling anything but apples, like the forestPod hair dryer, the nightMac headlights for bears, or the toothPhoney fake teeth for old wolves, the stubborn rabbit kept coming back, asking for apples…

During the first week, everything went fine. The rabbit would come to the Apple Store, enter, look around for at least ten minutes, and then ask:

“Do you have some red, sweet and juicy apples?”

Obviously, the young wolf working in the store would answer politely every time, because he had to comply with the company’s policy and treat every client like he was his boss, Steve Logs, the rich beaver who founded the little store deep inside the forest. As you probably imagined already, his answer would be negative, over and over again, but…

…after a few weeks, the little rabbit started to annoy him. One fine morning, the wolf came to work a bit tired and angry, we have no idea about what happened to him, but when he heard the rabbit asking about juicy apples again, he suddenly grabbed him by the throat, growling:

“If you ever come here again and ask about apples, I’ll nail you to the front door!”

After being put down, the rabbit took a few moments to catch his breath, then asked the wolf:

“Excuse me for asking, but do you have nails?”

“No, we don’t have nails, but we’ll get a new shipment next week. Anything else?”

With a big smile of relief on his face, the rabbit asked again: “So, do you have some red, sweet and juicy apples?”

If you’re a Christian, you surely know the Adam and Eve Bible story. I am sure that even most people following other religions know it, since this is far from being original. I know it may sound like a blasphemy to some of you, but if they would have had Copyscape back in those days when the New Testament was written, completing the Bible, passing the plagiarism test would have been a bit hard, if not impossible. Well, they changed a word here and there, but the main story remains the same…

In The Garden of Eden, Adam and Eve were tempted by the snake and Adam ended up eating the apple, God kicked them out of there, and so they started having children, multiplying the human race, and that should explain why so many freaks out there in the wild these days – we are all children of first degree relatives. Or NOT!

I know you can say I got that wrong, because the snake talked(yes, sure, and I talked to my neighbors’ dog this morning, too – the bastards won’t give the poor puppy a beer when he asks!) to Eve, who made Adam eat the apple, as we were able to see in The First and Greatest Commandment, but that’s not the point of this article. If you want to curse me, go ahead, I am not going to stop your comments, as long as they are not extremely obscene, but let’s consider this is already a part of our history, so…

…Darwin and all the other evolutionists are a bunch of idiots, and they burn in Hell as we speak. Adam and Eve were both guilty for the Original Sin (but let’s not forget about Angelina Jolie and Mr. Banderas!), but what if the first nation on earth would have been the Chinese nation, and both Adam and Eve were Chinese?

Just as a side note, I have nothing against China. I know their government can be found guilty for a bunch of things, but they really made Communism work, and there’s no reason to hate them for that. The fact that Communism sucks in most aspects, that’s a completely different story. Now, back to the story – and remember not to curse me if you’re a Chinese, Christians are doing it already…

If Adam and Eve were both Chinese, there would have been no original sin. Probably the world would have been completely different, without any major religion, and we would be colonizing the closest galaxies already. Why?

If Adam and Eve would have been Chinese, they would have simply eaten the snake, and leave the apple alone!

Today’s joke is a bit in the “adult” category, but I don’t think you have to be 18 to enjoy it. After all, it involves apples, and that’s all we need to know. Apples and cannibals, to be more accurate…

…and the story goes like this: once upon a time, there were three brave explorers trying to find some treasures in a jungle. Unfortunately, they found cannibals… or the cannibals found them, that’s not really important. They got caught, and all three were sure their final hour is drawing near, but…

…the cannibal in charge (CIC, for those crazy about “CEO-ish” acronyms) decided to give them a chance, so he looked at them and said:

- I think you deserve a chance to live, so here’s the deal – go back in the jungle, and bring me some fruits. Anything you find, it doesn’t really matter for now, just remember to be quick, choose only one fruit, and be sure to bring as many as you can carry!

Obviously, it’s strange to hear about cannibals eating fruits, but our explorers didn’t give a damn about it. They just wanted to get out of it alive, so they went into the jungle.

A few hours later, the first two came back. The first one had its pockets full of cherries, while the other had some apples. Pockets full, a few in his hands, as much as he was able to carry.

Smiling, the CIC said:

- Good, now take all the fruits and stick them up your own ass. If you manage to do it, we’ll set you all free!

After the cherries-guy finished, the one with the apples started to laugh. Even some monkeys fell off the nearest tree because of that. When he stopped, the CIC said:

- Why laugh? You may have some troubles with those apples, you know…

- Yes, I know, you can fire up that big cooking pot of yours already! I may get lucky with those apples or not, but I saw the last guy picking up some watermelons, that’s why he’s not here yet…