Damn, I wish I was a butterfly. Butterflies get so close to apple tree flowers, they make me jealous. Anyway, we’re not going to talk about apple fruits today, since I intentionally pushed aside Fiona Apple’s singles out of the article regarding her discography, and now the time has come to fill in another part. That’s because to some people looking to find that Fiona Apple discography, singles are also important, maybe to have a better picture of her as an artist, maybe simply to have all data nicely gathered.

Speaking for myself, well… I think most singles are released by artists who simply have 2-3 good tracks on an album, and a few fillers too many. I guess that’s why Fiona Apple hasn’t released a single for almost a decade now. Singles could be good to make you popular easier in the beginning, but not once you get serious -and she is, my friends, she really is serious!

Fiona Apple, Single(s)

OK, enough talk – let’s get to the point now – you’re looking for the Fiona Apple singles collection here, right? Unfortunately, I can’t sell any of them to you just yet, but let’s leave that aside for now. If you need my help, just ask it, and you’ll get it; these being said, here’s the collection of Fiona Apple singles:

1996 “Shadowboxer”
1997 “Sleep to Dream”
1997 “Criminal”
1998 “Never is a Promise”
1999 “Fast As You Can”

Out of that list, the first four are coming from her “Tidal” album, while the last one comes from “When The Pawn.” None of them was really a smashing hit, since the most notorious one – “Criminal” – only made it to the 4th position in the U.S. Modern Rock Tracks chart, and 10th in the U.S. ARC Weekly Top 40. Of course that this doesn’t mean anything. After all, there may be more people eating hamburgers than apples, but that doesn’t mean hamburgers are better…

Warning! This short joke may be inappropriate for kids and some people, so I am not going to be held responsible for any bad thing that’s going to happen once you read it, all right? Good… so let’s see the difference between an apple and your granny’s ass, shall we?

Q: What’s the difference between an apple and your granny’s ass?

Basically, you can say a lot of things to answer this simple question, starting with color, the difference between a body part and a fruit, and so on, but you won’t get closer to the truth, believe me. My truth, that is. To be honest, I didn’t get this one off the Internet – my father told it, and I was about to die laughing. Obviously, I am still alive, so here’s your answer…

A: You gotta bite them both to tell the difference!

If you ever had no choice but to eat your lunch at school, then you know already that the National School Lunch Program “provides nutritionally balanced, low-cost or free lunches to children each school day,” and so the result is not always as it supposed to be. After all, we all know that any product’s attributes that come next to “low-cost” are nothing more but mumbo-jumbo – at least in most cases, but when this happens, today’s story goes dangerously close to the real thing…

One fine day, after grabbing some good-looking pie and having the first bite, a kid turned bag to the cook with lightning in his eyes, and asked indignantly:

“What kind of pie do you call this?!?”

Completely taken by surprise by the kid, the cook stopped for a moment, then asked:

“What does it taste like?”

Unsurprisingly, the answer came in an instant:

“Glue!”

Tired of this already, the cook closed the discussion:

“Then it’s apple pie, the plum pie tastes more like shampoo!”

Contrary to the popular belief, the first commandment is not the one recorded by Moses, when he wrote it down in Hebrew together with the other nine, in the second of his books, called Exodus, which is a fundamental part of the so-called Old Testament, together with his other four books.

If you’re not a religious person, or you simply can’t remember what is usually known as the first and greatest commandment, here it is:

“I am The Lord your God, Who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage. You shall have no other gods before Me.”

The real story, or at least our funny story today, says the first commandment is this:

“You will go and eat that apple God said we shouldn’t! Otherwise, you will sleep with the snake! Don’t tell me such nonsense that God put a fruit in this garden that isn’t supposed to be eaten!”

Seeing no other way out of this, Adam ate the apple. Eve was a bit disappointed, because she hoped he would die. After all, she saw him looking at a female cow as he shouldn’t have earlier that day, and – to make the story full – she had some wild dreams including the snake, so taking Adam out of the equation wasn’t such a bad idea. Unfortunately for her, Adam didn’t die, God got angry, Eve became the first bitchy wife in history, and you all know the rest of the story…

Just for the record – your AppleMadman here has to warn you that any event depicted in this article is fictitious, and any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental!

If Apple made toasters… here’s how Apple Toasters, Inc. would behave, and how a MacToaster would work(obviously, if Apple would be into the toasters business, Microsoft couldn’t be making tanks, you have to agree with that, and that’s why Microsoft is also mentioned here):

• It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier.
• The toast would make a little smiley face at you when it popped up, or else it would get stuck and there would be a little picture of a bomb burned onto it.
• If they break, these toasters would require a special set of MacToaster Tools to even open up.
• Worldwide market share would only be 5%, but all the bread in school lunches would be exclusively toasted using the MacToaster.
• Last, but not least, if you would build a boat, and call it “MacBoat,” you will end up facing Apple Toasters’ lawyers. Even if you were a goose, going “Mac – mac – mac!!” without having a written consent from Apple Toasters would be punishable to the full extent of the law!